If you thought “Eternals” and “Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania” were low points for the limping Marvel Cinematic Universe, strap in for the ride to abject misery that is “The Marvels.”
The interminable movie, barely directed by Nia DaCosta, is not so much the story of Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel and Monica Rambeau as it is a sad study of the downfall of America’s favorite screen franchise.
THE MARVELS
Running time: 105 minutes. Rated PG-13 (action/violence and brief language). In theaters Nov. 10.
Once again, we get an MCU film that’s littered with insider technobabble and is impossible to follow.
Once again, we get an MCU film featuring characters we don’t care a lick about even though they beg us to, like meowing cats at feeding time.
Once again, we get an MCU film that we’re told cost $270 million to make yet appears as pricey as a Season 5 episode of “Stargate SG-1.”
Once again, we trudge out at the end an MCU film — the 33rd! — moaning, “How much longer can this godforsaken cinematic universe possibly drag on?”
Knowing Disney’s ravenous appetite for cold repetition, I shudder at the potential answer.
Ostensibly made for the average moviegoer, “The Marvels” requires homework for a basic understanding of its plot. You need to watch at least two Disney+ series — “Ms. Marvel” and “WandaVision” — and the awful 2019 film “Captain Marvel” just to know who the characters are.
And once you do? Meh.
Captain Marvel (Brie Larson), a k a Carol Danvers, is a too-powerful tita with roughly a third of the personality of Mr. Spock. Kamala Khan (Iman Vellani), a k a Ms. Marvel, is a hyperactive Jersey City teen and nascent superhero who’s cloyingly obsessed with the Captain. And Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) appeared as a kid in “Captain Marvel,” which was set in 1995, but got powers as an adult in “WandaVision.”
In order: bland, annoying and misused.
Behold the film’s wildly innovative plot line: The trio must prevent another forgettable villain (Zawe Ashton as Dar-Benn) from getting her hands on another vaguely important object (the Quantum Band). Seems easy enough, but there’s so much more here to turn our poor minds to mush.
The Kree (Captain Marvel’s adoptive race) are in the midst of a 30-year war with the Skrulls (dudes in green Halloween masks), and a peace treaty that Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) has attempted to negotiate has been scuttled.
For helpful context on all that business, you’ve got to watch the miniseries “Secret Invasion” on Disney+. Naturally.
Then, Kree leader Dar-Benn is furious with the Captain, who she believes wrought havoc on planet Hala by extinguishing the sun. Therefore, Dar-Benn requires a magical bracelet.
Complicating the situation more, each hero has a quantum band of her own that causes the trio to swap places at random. One second, Captain Marvel is in outer space, and the next she’s in New Jersey. These Scott Bakula leaps are called “jump points” that are part of a “teleportation network” in “space-time.” Blah blah blah.
There are other actors in the movie, and they make no impression either. Tessa Thompson cashes a check as Valkyrie for a minute. And there’s a fan-service cameo in the final seconds that suggests, well, that DaCosta and co-writers Megan McDonnell and Elissa Karasik didn’t know how to properly end their film.
Using a tried-and-true MCU tactic, the filmmakers attempt to cover up the many flaws throughout with a bandage of lunacy.
There is no compelling character development to speak of, but don’t worry because there’s a planet called Aladna where everybody sings instead of talks.
The action sequences are ho-hum and witless, but that doesn’t matter because Kamala’s family is zany.
The viewer is confused as hell from start to finish, but that’s OK because a herd of alien felines has just boarded a spaceship while Barbra Streisand croons “Memory” from “Cats.”
Is there anything good about “The Marvels”? Yes, there is. At 1 hour and 45 minutes, it is the shortest MCU movie ever made.