A new toxic trend, PMI, is set to take over the world of dating next year. Here’s how to spot it and stop it in its tracks before it ruins your next fling.
The early days of a new fling are filled with almost every emotional peak and trough in the book. From the longwinded anticipation of each text to the silent panic that sets in when you realize you’re sitting across the table from a cat person (instant dealbreaker), the dating scene can be one whirlwind of an emotional rollercoaster.
While there are plenty of valid reasons why a fresh romance won’t survive the harsh dating landscape, self-sabotage (whether intentional or not) has got to be one of the most unfortunate. Now, there’s a new trendy iteration of dating drama casting a shadow on new couples everywhere. Premature intimacy, or PMI, speaks to the urge to share too much too soon with a new partner, often leaving people feeling exposed or regretful.
Certified sex and relationship practitioner, Georgia Grace, shares with Body+Soul why healthy boundaries and a strong line of communication are so important to nurture at the start of any relationship, and why it’s crucial to look out for signs of PMI.
What exactly is PMI?
While yet another trending abbreviation might have you cursing the ever-changing Gen Z language, this one is especially important. A quick scan of the English language will tell you the word ‘premature’ is scarcely used to describe anything good, with its current dating association only reinforcing the stereotype.
PMI is the romance equivalent of TMI (too much information), incorporating whispers of love bombing and trauma dumping. In essence, the term refers to the oversharing of mind, body and soul. Imagine you’re sitting across from your date at dinner, swapping facts about yourselves and critiquing the restaurant’s playlist. Suddenly, before you’ve even had time to digest the entrees, your casual first date begins talking about your detailed future plans or reaches over to plant a kiss on your lips. Pretty jarring image right?
While intimacy is no doubt an important building block for any blossoming relationship, overstepping too early on is a surefire way to give someone the ‘ick’. PMI can manifest in more ways than simply oversharing your thoughts on a date, such as overt displays of physical affection and deep dives into your personal information.
“[PMI] is a really hard thing to measure,” says Grace, noting every relationship travels on its own unique timeline. “Yes, it’s exciting when you start a new relationship, but it’s also important to have platonic love and friendships, to see your family and to make sure you’re going to work and moving your body in the way that you like to move it so that you still have a sense of self and it doesn’t get wrapped up or lost in this new relationship energy.”
According to relationship expert Jessica Alderson, unleashing intimacy too early on in the relationship has become increasingly more common in the modern dating landscape. PMI can be caused by a myriad of reasons, such as a deep-rooted need for validation or an inability to accurately understand social cues.
“Some people have a fear of rejection or abandonment and believe that by opening up quickly they can create a strong bond,” she shares with Stylist. “They may believe that by being vulnerable and sharing personal information in the early stages of dating, their date will see them as more desirable or trustworthy.”
What are the consequences of PMI?
Now, maintaining the right level of intimacy can be a challenge for any couple, regardless of whether you’re celebrating two weeks or 20 years of blissful harmony. Intimacy ebbs and flows throughout different stages of any relationship, but it’s important to establish healthy boundaries and expectations early on.
‘Being all in’ has no doubt been romanticized across pop culture, leaving many fresh couples feeling the pressure to imitate every smiling couple on social media, apparent products of ‘love at first sight’.
“They’re selling the dream, they’re selling romance,” Grace says of couples across the media landscape. “We cannot and should not turn to TV or social media to teach us about relationships, because often they are designed to reflect a relationship that is entertaining, that is exciting, that makes us feel. But they’re often not real.”
Exposing your new partnership to intense bursts of intimacy before it’s ready will only create cracks in the relationship, often causing irreversible damage.
There are some immediate consequences for PMI, with the most common ones being the risk of overwhelming your partner or having them misinterpret your behavior. Too much PMI early on may also lay the foundation for other issues down the track.
One of the best parts of any new relationship is gradually learning about each other’s lives, slowly uncovering the interesting facets of your partner’s personality, “A gradual unfolding of personal details can contribute to the anticipation and enjoyment of discovering more about each other over time”, says Alderson. Too much intimacy in the early days fast-tracks this process, removing the sense of intrigue that fuels attraction.
“Oversharing early on can leave little room for growth and discovery as a couple. This can hinder the development of a strong, lasting bond,” adds Alderson.
“No two relationships are the same,” explains Grace, adding that any stage of a partnership can see couples misaligned in their expectations and goals. “I would never put a time frame on anything because it’s such an individual thing.”
In a new relationship, intimacy is important for growth and connection, just ensure you’re employing self-awareness and sharing something with the right intention in mind.
“I would never suggest or recommend not opening up on a first date, but you can have a choice around how much you share and what you share,” says Grace. “And you can also set a boundary if someone is trauma dumping on you because that’s not fun and it’s not sexy and it’s kind of overwhelming.”