Today is the day we celebrate the cliché.
Each year on Nov. 3, the tried, the mostly true and the oft-repeated get their due on National Cliché Day.
The word cliché, French in origin, was used by printers to describe the cast plates or block prints they used to replicate text and images. The word was later adopted by non-printers and plebeians to refer to repetitive phrases and stereotypes.
As Sagittarius sage Alain de Botton writes, “The problem with clichés is not that they contain false ideas, but rather that they are superficial articulations of very good ones. The sun is often on fire at sunset and the moon discreet, but if we keep saying this every time we encounter a sun or a moon, we will end up believing that this is the last rather than the first word to be said on the subject. Clichés are detrimental insofar as they inspire us to believe that they adequately describe a situation while merely grazing its surface.”
Today, friends, we’ll be honoring that graze with a little rundown of the most cliché qualities of each of the 12 zodiac signs, from the rage of Aries to the praise kink of Leo, the intensity of Scorpio to the flakiness of Gemini.
Read on to learn more.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
You are an impatient, raging id with a propensity for pyrotechnics, literal, emotional and otherwise, Aries. You don’t so much speak the truth as hurl it at others.
The only thing shorter than your fuse is your attention span.
You are confident in spite of your abject clumsiness and utter lack of tact. Your charm is akin to that of a baby writing a haiku in their own feces.
Conflict, car crashes, the smell of gasoline and the soft sound of ashes falling make your heart skip a beat.
The only thing shorter than your fuse is your attention span.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus, you are lethargic, self-righteous and immovably stubborn. You are incapable of forgiveness or accepting help. You are weed-incarnate and favor floor routines over cardio. You like house plants and often imitate them with your inactivity — but the real prize of your personal cultivation is your illustrious garden of grudges.
The first words you ever learned were “mine” and “more.” Curiously ornate, your general vibe is that of a toddler monarch, swaddled in expensive fabrics and suffering from a mysterious blood disease and an unnatural appetite. You self-soothe with QVC purchases, al fresco masturbation, carbohydrates and show tunes.
Equal parts loyal and lazy, you stay in jobs and relationships that have outlasted their usefulness.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, you are a flaky, superficial, taunter and chronic interruptor who pretends to know more than you do.
You are erratic on a good day and utterly incomprehensible on most others. You struggle to maintain eye contact, complete projects or operate heavy machinery. Flirtatious, non-committal and easily distracted, being around you is equal parts inspiring and exhausting.
Your zodiac mascots are Walt Whitman, Donald Trump and a one-eyed coyote high on cocaine.
You are physically incapable of keeping a secret. Were it possible to mainline gossip, you would. The truth is more of an abstract concept than an actual value to you, and you are famous for rewriting history, lying by omission and confusing your adversaries into forfeiture.
You swing wildly from high to low, and your zodiac mascots are Walt Whitman. Donald Trump and a one-eyed coyote high on cocaine.,
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You live in a weird, sad bird’s nest built from umbilical cords, deflated balloons, stolen strips of your ex’s clothing and the broken kaleidoscopes of other people’s dreams, Cancer.
You are manipulative, moody as the damn moon and delusional as all get-out. For you, feelings are facts, your rearview mirror is rose-colored, your ability to move on is limited and your ability to take responsibility for your emotional volatility is nonexistent. Your sensitivity is a kind of narcissism, as you believe everything is about you or at least aimed at you.
You are poetic because everything hurts your feelings.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, you are a self-obsessed glory hog/stage mom/child star. You have big hair or a big ego — and probably both. You are the life of the party because you never know when to go home and can’t stand to be alone. You masturbate to your own sex tape and expect to be treated like the celebrity/second-string royalty you believe yourself to be, with comped Champagne, bent knees and kisses on your pinky ring.
You only exist if you’re being watched
You’re selfish and extravagant and cannot bear a bad angle or a supporting role. You only exist if you’re being watched and are only generous if there’s an audience.
Your bluster and pageantry mask your deep fear of being absolutely average.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo, you are an uptight killjoy with a holster for your hand sanitizer. You eat herbs you hope will keep you alive but generally fail to enjoy the life you are trying desperately to extend.
Always nursing a belly ache and a general sense of existential dread, you are detail-oriented and never satisfied. You stitch together your idiosyncrasies, preferences and boundaries into a kind of earth-toned armor that prevents anyone from thinking you could ever be fun or DTF.
You are judgmental, exacting and secretly love when people disappoint you, as that means you were right all along. You low-key love to slum it in relationships because if you are needed by a broken, codependent trash monster, you will never be seen as expendable.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra: You’re a people-pleasing pushover who maintains the status quo at all costs — and to the detriment of all parties.
You like clean lines, modernist furniture and sexting. You care more about the way things look than how they feel. You would rather impress acquaintances than satisfy close friends.
You’re an average cook and a world-class pot stirrer. You are most comfortable in relationships as being in one prevents you from having to define yourself in any other way.
You’re an average cook and a world class pot stirrer.
You are deeply chameleonic, terminally indecisive and nice without ever really being kind. You are a ruthless, unrepentant flirt but too cowardly to be single for an extended period of time. You’re great at interior design, airbrush makeup and cocktail parties but have no interest in developing your own interiority.
You are an apex social climber who uses network connections and cheap charm to avoid actual toil.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
You are intense, obsessive and drunk on power, Scorpio.
You are sexually insatiable and wildly suspicious. An emotional hoarder with a disquieting veneer, you are the aggregate of every crime boss, movie villain, pimp and femme fatale that’s ever walked the streets or lived in the cultural imagination. You believe in ghosts, the inherent evil in others and your own ability to predict and prevent betrayal.
You are the aggregate of every crime boss, movie villain, pimp and femme fatale that’s ever walked the streets or lived in the imagination.
You steal souls, trade in secrets and run the proverbial show, pulling the strings and holding the stage lights like a draconian phantom of the opera.
You play the long game when it comes to revenge and are the sign most likely to break a heart — and steal a kidney.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You are an optimistic bon vivant allergic to commitment and hell-bent on having a good time all of the time, Sagittarius.
You fancy yourself a philosopher when, in actuality, your ethos can more or less be encapsulated by a few lines from “Point Break.” You are a pedantic idealist who espouses the merits of freedom while subjecting everyone to your bulls–t.
You’ll take a set of wheels over a picket fence any day of the week and consider venereal diseases, divorce, warrants and bad tattoos the marks of a life richly lived.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
You are a punishing capitalist with suspenders and a god complex, prioritizing profits over people, Capricorn.
Your ambition knows no bounds and your ruthlessness no limits. You pride yourself on your ability to control, exile or otherwise deny your emotional nature. Reserved and calculated, you don’t act or speak unless you’re sure of the return on investment. If it doesn’t pay, it has no purpose; if it doesn’t last, it has no appeal.
You have no taste for the trivial, the frivolous or the inefficient. You don’t believe in ghosts, astrology or second chances.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius: you don’t have feelings and would prefer to spend your life working on a reality simulator than ever talking to a stranger.
The deafening quiet of deep space holds a nearly narcotic appeal for you. As the sign of the charismatic cult leader, you are an ever-captivating weirdo with a preference for loose linens, mind control and experimental communities.
Quirk is your kink, and you would be first in line to have sex with an alien.
You have a deep love for humanity and a deep aversion to social interactions. You identify with Oprah. Your hair is always slightly askew, quirk is your kink, and you would be first in line to have sex with an alien.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, you can usually be classified as some combination of manic pixie dream girl, sad-sack poet, wet-eyed martyr, nihilist in a turtleneck and/or last person barely standing at the birthday party, swaying to synth-pop with a belly full of cheap Champagne.
You are notorious for showing up empty-handed, emotionally vulnerable and half in the bag to all manner of social gatherings. Unable to handle the crushing pressures of reality, you prefer to exist in a Teletubby-esque dreamland of prescription pills, white lies, watercolor paintings and John Hughes movie montages.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.