Put on your cape, ready your leotard and get amped to vanquish the forces of evil my babies, we’re talking superheroes, superpowers and a film franchise that refuses to die.
“The Marvels,” the 33rd installment in the lexicon of MCU films (term used lightly) hits theaters this Friday. “The Marvels,” continues the saga that began in “Captain Marvel,” and features a holy trinity of leading ladies; Brie Larson as Captain Marvel, Iman Vellani as Ms. Marvel and Teyonah Parris as Photon.
While The Post recently decreed “The Marvels,” to be “the worst MCU movie yet,” we’re still running with the chance to pair each zodiac sign to an appropriate superhero (or supervillain) superpower.
Along for the ride and helping us summon our strengths is Astrid Bly of California Psychics.
Read on to learn more.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Superstrength
“Honest, optimistic, and straightforward, Aries gets one of the most well-known powers in the book. This brave sign can face monsters and take down bad guys with ease.” I would also argue that the Aries superpower playbook also includes self-immolation, blunt force truth-telling and channeling rage (their renewable resource) into electricity.
Superstrength, along with great hair and serious shoulder pad game are among the defining qualities of Captain Marvel.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Gravity manipulation
As a fixed earth sign symbolized by a horned beast of burden, Taurus is known for being deeply grounded and absolutely inflexible. Gravity manipulation, which allows the individual to draw or drive objects towards or away is a kind of metaphor for Taurus who is great at maintaining boundaries and keeping people at arm’s length.
Other bull superpowers include giving the silent treatment, packing enough snacks to survive a nuclear winter, blocking people and thriving through hibernation.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Language Assimilation or Omnilingualism
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, planet of the mind and mouth and the patron saint of language.
As Bly explains, “This sign’s natural adaptability and changeability is more of an internal trait than an external one. The perfect fit for Gemini’s natural charisma and versatility is the ability to speak with anyone regardless of language.”
Never having to shut up or feel shut out? Dream realized.
Alternative superpowers for Gemini include shapeshifting, as exhibited by Kamala Khan AKA Miss Marvel, channeling the noxious fumes of gossip into wind energy and conning the unsuspecting into believing in their abilities, theories or pyramid schemes.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Empathy
Cancer is a moon-ruled water sign making their powers of perception and intuition acute. As Bly relates, “These moody souls are easily influenced by the mental states and ‘vibes’ of the people around them. Naturally sensitive, it’s only logical that they would take it to the next level if they had superpowers.”
In the Marvel universe, Empath is a mutant comic book character (and probable Cancer) who manipulates the feelings of others for his own benefit. By overriding their emotional brainwaves, he is able to subtly command or reduce entire groups to a state of pliant catatonia, the secret fantasy of every love-struck Cancer the world over.
Secondary Cancer superpowers include induction baking and inducing guilt.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Pyrokinesis
Leo is ruled by the sun and apropos of this distinction natives often conceive of themselves as the center of the known universe. Never above a little razzle-dazzle, be it a choreographed dance routine, a KISS concert, an ostentatious fireworks display or a theatrical entrance, the ability to conjure and control fire on demand is both convenient and in keeping with the bombast of this archetype.
Other Leo superpowers include PR manipulation, faking it til they make it, crying on cue and an uncanny ability to reorient all subjects to the self.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Healing
Symbolized by the vestal temple maiden, Virgo rules the sixth house of service and ritual. While less warm and fuzzy than their Cancer counterparts, Virgos top the list for caretaking. Using bark they find, tea they blend, vegetables they grow and animal semen they source, Virgos are willing to go to great and strange lengths to cure what curses and ease what ails.
Alternative superpowers for Virgos include keen observation, quiet quitting and a searing side-eye.
In the Marvel universe, Chrome Daddy The Silver Surfer exhibits the ability to heal himself and all other organic matter and living organisms.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Mind-reading
Libras are prone to people pleasing and the ability to read minds would allow them to streamline their efforts and sure up their offensives. Already adept at knowing what people need and granting or denying these needs at will, being able to read minds would further a Libra’s political aspirations and campaigns for popularity and power. Mind-reading is a superpower wielded with aplomb by probable Libra Jean Grey.
Secondary Libra superpowers include contouring, floral arrangement, social climbing and getting away with everything.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Invulnerability
Ruled by Pluto, planet of death, seismic change and regeneration, Scorpios are hard to kill and built to last. Fueled by doubt and vitalized by vengeance they keep on kicking, even and especially when the odds are stacked against them.
As Bly maintains, “Just like the armored and durable scorpion, Scorpios are resilient and have the determination needed to get back up after any challenge. If they were a superhero, they’d be able to handle anything and keep going.”
We see the Scorpio tenets of grudge-holding, power-wielding and holding on to dear life expressed in lilac-haired, space-shredding supervillain Dar-Benn.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Teleportation
Sagittarius is the sign most likely to contract FOMO or a venereal disease. Apt to avoid commitment, punishment or general accountability teleportation allows archers to get away with more while doing less. Roamers and rebels the ability to go far and wide at a moment’s notice suits the need and speed of the zodiac’s frequent flyer.
Secondary Sagittarius superpowers include running on empty, nonchalance, drug trafficking and humor as deflection.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Telekinesis
With their signature ‘my way or the highway, get rich or die trying’ daddy energy, Capricorn low-key LIVES to make other people and inanimate objects do their bidding. Bly writes, “Responsible and self-controlled, telekinesis requires a precision that only a Capricorn can apply, and it also matches their intensity and drive.”
As with all concentrations of power, it’s wasted on anyone who does not identify as a Capricorn.
Secondary sea goat superpowers include financial stability, gas lighting, good taste, a superiority complex and the cold shoulder.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Flight
As a fixed air sign, Aquarius is oft detached from the physical plane, riding high above the bulls–t on a carpet made of tinfoil and dryer lint and that’s just the way they like it, thank you very much. When asked to participate in life, talk about their feelings or manage someone else’s, they would prefer to power up and lift off, making flight their ultimate superpower.
Other water-bearing superpowers include disappearing, gracious acceptance of the quirk in others and wearing a tall enough turtleneck and wielding just enough intrigue to read as genius.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Astral Projection
As mutable water and the last sign in the zodiac, Pisces is something of a composite of all lessons, energies and signs that proceed it, star soup if you will. Captain Monica Rambeau AKA Photon is similarly able to absorb and integrate as she is blessed with the power to see, transform and tame any type of energy on the electromagnetic spectrum.
Astral projection is another projected power of the fish folk.
Bly recounts, “The sign of Pisces is spiritually charged and in tune. Their power, fittingly, would let them leave their bodies and explore.” Escape is the MO of the Pisces ilk and what better way to disassociate than to astral project to greener pastures and other dimensions?
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.