As the pastel banner on the almost-stale motivational cookie cake in the pantry proclaims, teamwork makes the dream work.
Post pandemic, boomers, millennials and Gen Z folk alike are back in the workplace, tasked with adapting to a new kind of office etiquette.
From oversharing to disquieting staring, coitus betwixt coworkers and quiet quitting, pay cuts and difficulty disconnecting, it’s a struggle out here, folks.
Because the majority of us spend one third of our earthly hours working with and for others, we are faced repeatedly with the trials and tribulations of interpersonal dynamics.
With a challenging mix of ages, attitudes and agendas to navigate your way around, we are offering you a helpful guide to the work style of each member of the zodiac.
Read on to learn more.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
They’re not yelling at you, they’re emphasizing.
Aries does nothing at a reasonable pace or tepid temperature — including typing, expressing or clawing their way to the top.
The beautiful and terrible thing about their ilk is that they are compulsively honest, making them unlikely to talk s—t behind your back. They are also aces at delivering a pep talk or leading a charge. Aries is the sign without regard for history, so even if you’ve had what feels like conflict with them you can rest assured that they have burned through the ethanol of those differences.
Example of an office Aries: IRL Aries Alec ‘coffee is for closers’ Baldwin as Blake in “Glengarry Glen Ross.”
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus rules the second house of values and valuables. A surefire way to make them resentful is to criticize their approach or micromanage their time. Slow to warm to strangers or slackers, they have a tendency to push themselves beyond the bounds of what is expected and then hold others to a similar standard.
When handed a position of power or authority, they can really put the d–k in dictator. While they seem reliable, they are in fact just bad at breakups, resistant to change and piss poor when it comes to self-expression.
If you’re wondering if they’re still stewing about that thing you said that one time, THEY ARE.
As a Venus ruled earth sign, Taurus is soothed by beauty. In order to function they need ample natural light, plants and snacks. As such, they can always, always be plied with lux lunch, a succulent and a formal apology.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Ruled by trickster planet Mercury, Gemini is the uncontested salesman of the zodiac. Whether hawking stocks, strategies or schemes, they love to trade information and are known to lap up spilled tea like a parched housewife. If you want a rumor spread, a party attended or an effervescent break in the crushing monotony of your work day, this is your person. Dynamic at best and scattered at worst, they are prone to outbursts, oversharing and shifting loyalties.
A word of caution, if you have a Gemini boss: Do not exhaust yourself trying to please them, as their ever changing wants are likely to render your efforts futile every 60-90 minutes.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Ruled by the capricious moon, Cancer is, in a word, temperamental. Emotionally intelligent, they love to be solicited for advice, personal or professional. Given the opportunity, they can be real-deal nurturing, shepherd of the dream types. As the sign of root systems, they are built to invest in the work they do and the people they do it for. Tough but tender, security is sacred to them.
If you’ve got a Cancer boss, they’ve likely risen through the ranks by utilizing a protective armor that divides their squishy selves from the world at large. Rest assured, this tough exterior masks a soft and spiteful center.
Do not forget their birthday, your place, or any infinitesimal kindness they may have shown you — the crab remembers.
Coincidentally Jordan “Wolf of Wallstreet” Belfort and “Office Space’s,” Milton ‘give me my stapler or I will burn this building to the ground’ Waddams are both Cancers with the bulk of natives oscillating between these extremes.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Much like plant life perishes without the sun, Leo wilts without worship. If you can reach their quota for performance praise — and listen intently and silently to their daily soliloquy of self-aggrandizement — you’ll have a very loyal lion.
Giving a power point presentation is borderline erotic to them; sending themselves flowers to the workplace is a favored flex.
Intolerant of mean-spirited gossip and ever the champion of the underdog, Leos really shine when they advocate for others, be it in pushing a promotion, or elevating the contribution of a fellow team member. Ever wanting life to be a celebration and work to feel familial, this is the person that brings cake, organizes get-to-know-you happy hours and takes the new hire out for lunch, partially to make nice but mostly to gain favor.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
As mutable earth and ruler of the sixth house of service and daily rituals, Virgo identifies with their holy grind more than other signs. Detail oriented and deeply invested in being the smartest mothertrucker in the room, they don’t want praise — they want you to integrate their well-curated notes for improvement.
While their methods may seem extreme — measuring shelf space to guarantee equitability in the employee fridge, labeling allergens in the pantry — every list they make and action they take is for the general benefit of the collective. They pretend to hate but secretly relish office gossip and do not respond well to criticism.
They would rather quit than conform.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra loves to ride a coattail, rise through the ranks and succeed through irrefutable charm, rather than actual toil. Whether weighing a moral dilemma or deciding between a salad or a wrap, it bodes well not to rush their process. Because they struggle with decision making and conflict resolution, they can come across as passive aggressive, viewing any threat to the status quo as a red flag and every agent of change or suggestion as suspicious.
Unlike every Aries ever, you’re never really sure where you stand with a Libra. Their tendency to play nice parlays into a tendency to play favorites at work. Libras flourish when their social skills can be put to use in team dynamics. They’re here to harmonize, accessorize, smooth and appraise — NOT to lead, assert, hire or fire.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
As the most powerful sign in the zodiac, a workplace Scorpio is not to be f—ed with. They’re not here to talk about your dog or hear about your vacation plans. They are here to strive and to slay.
Better suited to independent contracting than team building, Scorpio is born anticipating betrayal, so the fewer folks they have to work with the better. They can smell a suck up like a fish bone in the garbage disposal — the best way to approach and appreciate them is with heartfelt humility and excruciating attention to detail.
Scorpios do best in roles where they are able to pull the strings and avoid the spotlight; it allows them ultimate power and limited accountability. This is VP in a three-piece-suit energy, folks.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius is the irrefutable optimist of the office, akin to a martini at lunch, a sign on bonus and an open window in the workplace. Open to collaboration and always believing anything is possible, Sag folk balk at the tyranny of a tight schedule, faring better in free form environments where their innovations can find footing. More big picture than fine print, archers benefit from partnering with people that let them dream the dream — while insisting they deliver the goods.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn is akin to a pair of suspenders, dressed for success, keeping it together and holding everything up a little higher. Armed with ambition and a sly sense of humor, Capricorn knows how to play the game. Efficient and aspirational, they have no time for niceties, petty gossip or an out of office lunch. Capricorns pride themselves on their ability to succeed without aid or praise. For a Cap, anything worth doing is worth doing well and they’re unlikely to skate by on less or tolerate the half a— efforts of others.
If you attempt to replicate their work ethic you will fall short, fall ill, or fall down dead.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Rulers of the eleventh house of community, connectivity and utopian ideals, Aquarius folk are likely to be transparent about how much money they make. If you catch them between cycles of disassociation, they’re apt to help you get ahead, get a raise and get where you’ve always dreamed of going. As an aside, water bearers have approximately zero interest in getting to know you outside of the workplace, so spare them the happy hour invite.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Weak willed and prone to fantasy and distraction, Pisces people perform best in roles that require imagination, adaptation and regular changes of scenery. Great at facilitating team building exercises like trust falls, nature retreats and dicey drinking games, Pisces are motivated to perform when they want to sleep with their boss or know full well they’re preparing to quit and need a reference.
They’re more effective than they seem and are best left to their own devices, dispatching to the elven folk that do their bidding. Voted most likely to throw up at the holiday party and “accidentally” send a nude to the office Slack channel.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.